...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh god it's open bar.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
