Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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