goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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