I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
