Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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