We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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