whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
