These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
