my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
