final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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