There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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