Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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