he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize