JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
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