i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
