I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I could make wine with my vomit
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
