I wish they made helmets for livers.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
