oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
