I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
