Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
