Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
