hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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