rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
