What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
