Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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