I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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