Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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