I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
