What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
