And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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