I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
