So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The power of my boobs compel you
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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