I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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