I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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