Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
