Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
