yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
