WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
