Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
