you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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