i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize