By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We are all done wearing pants today
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
