where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
