The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
