I wanna bring you to show and tell
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
