Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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