need another drink. this is the easiest way
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
