I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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