Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
