my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Randomize
