I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do herpes really smell.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize