So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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