I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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