I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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