i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
