My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
