You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
