I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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