oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
