If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
