His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
