My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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