I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
