btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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